The Schoolyear of Scott

Friday night, for my dad’s birthday, I went with my parents to L’Auberge Chez Francois, a French restaurant in Great Falls.  My mom signed us up for a cooking demonstration with Chef Jaques (Jack), entitled “Lewd Food: Oysters”.

The food was great.  The ever flowing wine and champaigne was greater.  The atmosphere, though, was downright uncomfertable.

The fact that the cooking demonstration was called “Lewd Food” should have been a hint to me that the event wasn’t exactly going to be rated PG.  I didn’t expect it to be NC-17 though.

I was by far the youngest person there, with the next youngest diner probably aged around 40 years old.  Right off the bat, it was apparent that the majority of these elder patrons were part of some foodie society and most either knew each other, or at the very least, knew Chef Jack.  My parents and I decided to sit at a table away from the foodies in between an elderly couple and two couples in their 40’s or 50’s.  Almost immediately after we took our seats, Chef Jack takes out his cue cards and starts a monologue on aphrodisiacs, Viagra and genitalia.

What did the girl oyster say to the boy oyster?  You never open me up! (ummm, ok)

Ovaries look like oysters, but taste like Halibut! (ummmm, what?)

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?  Because if you eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything! (ummmm, gross!)

Making the event even more uncomfertable was that Chef Jack’s family was in attendance, and he was not shy about revealing his “oyster consumption” on a recent trip to the Carribbean (this would have been bad enough, but the fact that his daughter was at a table with Chef’s wife made it even worse).

A man is having a problem in bed with his wife, so he goes to the doctor’s office to get a perscription for Viagra.  The doctor makes him take the pill in the office to make sure it works, and sure enough, the pill does the trick.  Not wanting to to waste the moment, the doctor allows the man to call his wife to come down to the office to put the medication to good use.  Sadly, the wife can’t get off work in time, so it will have to wait until later.  The doctor still doesn’t want the moment to go to waste and says “isn’t there someone else you could call?  How about your housekeeper?  Do you think she could come down to the office to help you out?”.  The man says “oh, I don’t need Viagra for the housekeeper!” (slightly funny, though the older males in the room loved this one)

Which sex’s genetalia does an oyster look like?  Both Male and Females! (what?)

After eating the oysters, I recommend stopping at the Ritz Carlton on the way home asking for my usual room…it has a big mirror.  Also, the wine cellar is available by request. (no comment)

The night was fun, but I don’t think I will be attending another Lewd Food event…at least not until I am old enough to need oysters

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